I’ve been having a really hard time with the surge in piracy this year. Yes, me, so far away and so unaffected and usually so unwilling to voice an opinion [today was the first day I’ve ever considered making a post category called Opinions].
I am for lawfulness. I am against lawlessness. I am opposed to piracy in reality. I’m pro pirate movies. I am against uprisings and insurrection. I am pro thinking outside the box (which sometimes smells like rebellion).
In summary of this fine defense, I am for shooting pirates with guns. Big guns, little guns, arrows, and poison-dart guns. They after all carry guns and scimitars, don’t they? I’m not trying to be simple or silly, I’m just trying to end piracy.
This FoxNews story is sort of a summary of the current state of things. It calls pirates the Enemies of All Mankind. They even capitalize it just like I did. I really love that ship owners fear that the crews would kill each other if they had guns more than they were fearful of pirates. That’s classic. I think as hijackings increase (and they will), they might change their minds.
I also loved the code of honor in protection companies that says, “if you commandeer a ship I am protecting, I will jump overboard.” I hope that sticks, ’cause that’s kind of funny. Perhaps there could be a law that they would get to keep the pirate’s boat, but maybe that’s just selfish thinking.
Mark my words [and also mark that I don’t know if I’ve ever used that phrase before so I must be very serious about what is about to be said] that very soon, ship owners are going to need to be comping pirates for injuries that occur during attacks. They are going to be required to start affixing permanent ladders to the sides of their ships and relaying floorboards with grit to prevent slippage. They are going to have to start paying for lazy pirates who want to stay at home and watch TV because piracy is so hard. And they are going to have to start funding poor pirates who have boats too slow or small to keep up with the big freighters.
Shooting people with guns is brutal yes, and often quite permanent, but it’s much less brutal than the ancient methods of pirate removal/disposal. Perhaps we could at least make a law that it’s ok to shoot the air out of the pirates inflatable boats. That would solve the problems, too.
In summation and in answer, please reread paragraph three, the first sentence.
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